unbreak
I woke up with that bitter feeling of sadness, but of course being the stubborn person that I am, I pretended to be fine and continued on to do my regular morning duties. I smiled as people around me greeted me a good morning, I’ve actually gotten a hang of fooling people. As always, I’ve gotten away with another miserable existence without anybody noticing it.
So, I walked on, took a broom and started to clean the house. It’s just one of my duties as a lady, even though it does seem sexist to rely on a female to do all the house chores… it doesn’t bother me all that much anymore. I’ve gotten used to the idea and actually found comfort in doing it. At least even for a while, I have a feeling of false security while doing something productive and routinely. The routinely work offers a blanket of warmth and security for me and temporarily helps me forget the miseries of life. This helps me deal as well as my writing.
But all these still haven’t changed the fact that I’m anxious again. In the back of my mind I know that I shouldn’t be and that I’m only setting myself up to be hurt again… but being the fool that I am, I lead myself straight to hoping again. Here I go being susceptive to heartache once more. With my guard down… I open my heart and soul one more time.
The annoying part about what I’m feeling is that I can’t seem to pin point the cause of everything that I’m feeling. There are too many reasons in my life that might make me feel the way that I do at this very moment. For that very reason I can no longer simply choose one and say that it’s the cause of everything. I have faced a lot of failures, heartbreaks and disappointments in my life that to even try to make a sense of it only seems futile and unnecessary.
Bits of my life seem to tumble down right in front of me and the other pieces just appear to pass me by, while the remaining part – the rest of everything else, has remained a blur to me. I feel like I’m going to explode. Too many people have let me down without them even trying. Alas! I have let myself down, just by expecting something in other people or somebody to be there. I know better than to actually rely on other people for happiness.
But even though I do I still block it out. That’s why I’ve set myself up for another disappointment, another wrong move. I always tell myself that if you don’t expect, you don’t get hurt… the problem with that notion is that I often forget about it or rather I choose to forget. That’s because keeping your guard up all the time gets overwhelmingly tiring. And I am tired, tired of being afraid, of feeling sad, keeping things bottled up. I’m so very tired!!!
So I do what I set out and dread to do, I open my mail. Hoping anxiously to see if maybe, just maybe I’ve received a mail from the person I’ve been waiting for. But darn! Another day of tears has shattered me. Junk mails, mails from people or other friends and blah… blah... blah… but of course none of it sufficed.
The weather is befitting, with the clouds partly cloudy and somewhat unsure. With the heavens dropping and drizzling spots of rain in an instance and shining with the sun up high in another. The weather is indefinite just as my feelings are. I’ve carefully tried to waste most of my time today aiming to forget my worries, but I seem to be a failure in that too! With every move I make, I become farther from my goal, which is to forget. This day seem to be conniving against me.
Summarizing all the things I’ve done up to this moment, I realize that each one seem to be distracting me from my goal. I only ended up hopeless more than ever. Hopeless, in what way you may ask. I’m not really sure anymore. My day went on with my daily favorite “Dawson’s creek” episode (that I always watch), to the constant depressing updates in my blog, and site hopping. Doing all these I only fell deeper into a state of nothingness.
I am worst than ever. Sad really, because I started my day only as a gloomy sort and it seems like I’m going to end the day with much more grief than before. Or probably worst! I might morph from the daily blues into the complete feeling of being invisible.
Well, that is until I stumbled to yet another depressed soul like me. I know this, because I can tell from the words and the story that person told. She was just as lost as me.
I loved reading the articles and the things other people have written. And surprisingly, I actually felt mildly if not completely better than I did earlier. Reading their stories and own despairs made me feel like I’m not alone. Like there are also people out there hurting just like me or perhaps much more than me. Not to take pleasure in their obvious despair, but to find inspiration in their pain…. I continued to read until I just couldn’t anymore.
I then started to feel like writing all I’m feeling down, not only to relieve myself from the pain but also to help others like me. For those who might be feeling not quiet their best for the moment, for reasons that may not seem to understand. Maybe, just maybe they only need something that will boost their ego and perhaps this entry might just do the trick.
-gif l.t.
;11:16 PM
loves.
GOD =) || family (",) || friends ;) || sweet gestures || romantic acts || long conversations || moonlight walks on the beach || SUNSETS / sunrise || swept off my feet || personally written poems || SENERADES
hates.
HYPOCRITES! || PLAYERS / LIERS / smooth talkers & the sort || being... judged || told what to do || smirked at || intentionally ignored || left hanging || taken advantage of
calendar/events ?
my bro's & tita's bday!
mother's day!
my debut. 10/10 - tagal pa!.
my forever wish list!(:
true love =)
simple things.
happiness.
yesterdays. (my archives)
October 2004
January 2005
April 2005
May 2005
June 2005
July 2005
August 2005
September 2005
October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
November 2006
December 2006
April 2007
