unbreak
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i haven't been updating my blog, the one thing that used to hold me together during my darkest hours. and now, i haven't got the time to even leave simply note of "hi or hello". lots has changed with me, my life and my status in almost all aspects but i can't start puring everything right now. i'll allot a time for this. needless to say i haven't forgotten my passion for poetry or writing, i still write sometimes... it's just that i haven't been able to type it in. i usually just write in any piece of paper or writable material i find... sometimes my celphone's always handy when i do come up with the right words to express my emotion. all of which i have failed to jot down in this blog of mine. hopefully i'll have more time to devote to my sanctuary and give you more posts to read through when you're bored and want to pass the time. i'll see ya 'til my next entry. wadaan! (arabic for goodbye... since i'm on my summer vacai in dubai). ;)
-gif
;12:09 PM
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
Why does the holiday bring such bitter sadness? The lights flicker everywhere and dance to the music of the joyful world, the surroundings are decorated with such beautiful decors while I'm here feeling down and sad. I know that this is not the way to celebrate this "joyful season" but what can I do? This is how I feel, this is what circumstances make me feel. Such negative emotions on such a positve time of the year.
It's just that I can't shake this feeling off. I can't be responsible all the time, can I? Sometimes, I just want to get loose, get drunk and high on life but then my better judgement keeps in track. In track to what, I don't know anymore. I used to think that to maintain good grades and follow what my parents told me would be enough to mark me as a good child but lately things says differently. Am I such a bad person? Such an irresponsible daughter if I choose to decide for myself and choose what I believe is right for me? Should I stop myself from reaching my dreams and give it up for the happiness of the people I love? Does love require such sacrifices? Is that the price I need to pay to prove my love, to be what the society would dictate as a good child? It gets tiring being good and being wise. I just want to break free and go crazy sometimes maybe then, they would realize how well I was doing. But I know I would be hurting a lot of people in the process. I am at a crossroads... Do I go ahead and push through with my plans though I know I would be hurting somebody dear to me? Or do I give up on my dreams just to see her happy? Life really gives us such bad choices sometimes, we choose the lesser evil in the choice of two evils. I just hope I do what's right for everybody. I hope everything works out. Help me, Lord... this I ask...
-gif
;7:28 AM
Saturday, December 23, 2006
this is in connection with my previous post, well...
I don't wanna say it... but i guess "I TOLD YOU SO" is the best description for what i'm feeling or rather felt when i heard the news. you told me yet again another different story, that you again felt the same way as you did before you went ahead and dove into such a messy situation. I no longer want to be dragged into the same situation all over again. In as much as I enjoy your company and our exchange of ideas, I'm too tired to wallow in the same love-hate situation that you seem to push on me. I have but one feeling for you and that is love... love for a friend. Although there were times when I have already come close into hating you, I still haven't mastered the courage to hate you. Ironic isn't it? There is such a thin line between love and hate. And you seem to know that very well... You have made me feel that many a times. Too many for me to count and to much for me to want to think of. Don't get me wrong, I love having you as a friend but what is the price to pay for that friendship, when you won't... rather as you said "can't" reciprocate the same way 'coz have your own agenda as well. What you're asking me is something that I can't give as well... Just like you I can not reciprocate the same feelings, even if I try... I would not even come close, I think. So what's the point in even trying when I know I would only be unfair to the both of us. I don't want to mark my words and I don't want to sign a dotted line into what I'm saying because I can never tell what the future holds, but I wish that you can understand where I'm coming from. This is only a letter of distress for that's what I felt when you told me all those things. You can't keep on shaking my world. If you're gonna be in it, then... Be in it! That's what a true friend does and that's what I'm trying to do for you but you can't seem to appreciate that. I wish things ended differently, that our chapter was finished in a better way but I guess life gives us pickles when we wish for apples. Hope the new year brings us a better future if it entails being into each other's lives in one way or another, or perhaps be mere strangers to one another, I'm still glad to have met you. And as much as you have confused me many times, you have also made other things in my life clear to me, for that thanks as well. Good luck and God bless! I'll see you around (hopefully when I do, a smile would be enough...)
-gif
;7:13 PM
Sunday, November 26, 2006
If you were a nobody in my book,
If you were just somebody i didnt pay atention to,
If you were somebody i didn't care for,
If you were just a regular sort of friend...
(But you're not, You're simply not...)
Somebody like everybody else,
Somebody totally insignificant to me,
Somebody who's such an ease to hurt,
Somebody I coud tell it straight-forward to,
Somebody who would be so easy to say this to...
(Since you're not; and that's the case...)
That makes it harder to say what i have to say;
That's the reason why I couldn't give you my immediate reaction;
That's the reason why I chose to keep my answer to myself;
That's the reason why I changed my honest to goodness thoughts;
That's the reason why I can't tell you what I really think and feel;
(Yup... I can't, so instead...)
'Coz you might misinterpret it as anger or hatred,
'Coz you might feel that I don't want you to be happy,
'Coz you might think that it's only bitterness or jealousy,
'Coz you might mistake my good intention into something negative,
'Coz you might believe that I have a hidden agenda or simply being selfish...
(I'm really not, in reality that is..)
When actually I only want what's best for you,
When the truth is I'm wishing only for you happiness,
When from the bottom of my heart I'm glad you've been awakened,
When in fact I want you to go for what would make you feel complete,
When at the end of the day, though I think you could be rushing into what could possibly be a mistake...
(Perhaps it is, but still...)
I could only wish you luck,
I could only trust you're not,
I could only hope for the best,
I could only pray for guidance,
I could only stop myself...
(It's for the best; if not to stop myself from...)Giving peculiar alternatives,Pointing out the ugly possibilities,Saying the things that first came to my mind,Reacting negatively to my paranoid scenarios,That was all when you easily told me...
(However I simply can honestly...)
But rather just be totally happy for you;
because you truly deserve it,
But rather just extend my hand of congratulations;
because I know you want it to come from me,
But rather just hope for your safety and well-being;
because that will make me feel at ease,
But rather just simply wish you luck and more blessings;
because that's what I want for both you and me,
But rather bid you a heartfelt goodbye and thanks for the memories you've given and the mark you've left in the short span of time we've shared...
(In the end...)
I am, and can only be, the best friend that I can be! 'Coz that's what I chose to be...
(Someday we'll come to realize when everything was right the begin with...)
-gif lt.
;10:12 PM
Saturday, November 25, 2006
If you were a nobody in my book,
If you were just somebody i didnt pay atention to,
If you were somebody i didn't care for,
If you were just a regular sort of friend...
(But you're not, You're simply not...)
Somebody like everybody else,
Somebody totally insignificant to me,
Somebody who's such an ease to hurt,
Somebody I coud tell it straight-forward to,
Somebody who would be so easy to say this to...
(Since you're not; and that's the case...)
That makes it harder to say what i have to say;
That's the reason why I couldn't give you my immediate reaction;
That's the reason why I chose to keep my answer to myself;
That's the reason why I changed my honest to goodness thoughts;
That's the reason why I can't tell you what I really think and feel;
(Yup... I can't, so instead...)
'Coz you might misinterpret it as anger or hatred,
'Coz you might feel that I don't want you to be happy,
'Coz you might think that it's only bitterness or jealousy,
'Coz you might mistake my good intention into something negative,
'Coz you might believe that I have a hidden agenda or simply being selfish...
(I'm really not, in reality that is..)
When actually I only want what's best for you,
When the truth is I'm wishing only for you happiness,
When from the bottom of my heart I'm glad you've been awakened,
When in fact I want you to go for what would make you feel complete,
When at the end of the day, though I think you could be rushing into what could possibly be a mistake...
(Perhaps it is, but still...)
I could only wish you luck,
I could only trust you're not,
I could only hope for the best,
I could only pray for guidance,
I could only stop myself...
(It's for the best; if not to stop myself from...)Giving peculiar alternatives,Pointing out the ugly possibilities,Saying the things that first came to my mind,Reacting negatively to my paranoid scenarios,That was all when you easily told me...
(However I simply can honestly...)
But rather just be totally happy for you;
because you truly deserve it,
But rather just extend my hand of congratulations;
because I know you want it to come from me,
But rather just hope for your safety and well-being;
because that will make me feel at ease,
But rather just simply wish you luck and more blessings;
because that's what I want for both you and me,
But rather bid you a heartfelt goodbye and thanks for the memories you've given and the mark you've left in the short span of time we've shared...
(In the end...)
I am, and can only be, the best friend that I can be! 'Coz that's what I chose to be...
(Someday we'll come to realize when everything was right the begin with...)
-gif lt.
;10:30 PM
Sunday, July 16, 2006
haha...
well anyway,
so yes... I'm in a somewhat state of slight pain,
1st - my foot hurts... my fooft was murdered and yes, it hurts like hell!
2nd - my back, my abdominal and leg areas hurt ... thanks a lot to DG (dramatic guild), but hey I'm not complaining.. it's worth it!
3rd my head hurts as well, but it's bearable so it's no biggie.
aside from all the obvious physical pain due to my over active schedule, gad to say everything else feels positive!
No hurt aches, no emotional baggage, nothing out of the ordinary... I'm at peace right now. And corrections, to all those negative vibes... I'm not... DEFINITELY NOT... a MAN HATER!
yes, i'm single... and yes... i don't go jumping from relationship to the next...
no... attachments that will make my life complicated, yup... there's people aroung expressing interest... and no... don't think i'll be extending anythign more than friendship... but in the end it only makes me PICKY! and that's not a crime!
It's just hard to find anybody intelllectually stimulating, emotionally dependable, physically bearable (notice the word.. "bearable"; i'm not looking for bradd pitt, a regular joe would do as long as his tall; atleast taller than me and with a presentable face); spiritually strong (not necessarily religious as long as he has a good sense of fate, and a good set of morals will do). hopefully no vices; especially smoking. Is that too much to ask? I don't think it is so while I'm waiting for mr. right i'll just go on wasting my efforts on things that are productive and of substance.
conclusion: I'm awesome! Happiness.. has come my way.... just hope it stays! d("_")b
-gif
;8:19 PM
Sunday, July 09, 2006
I've been wanting to blog, just haven't found the time and energy to update. Even now as I'm typing my update, I'm still in a rush so bare with me. Well, I've been here in the Philippines for a month now. So I've been surrounding myself with the college craze in that short span of time, and I will hopefully continue to surround my days with that same atmosphere for the next four years. Original plans, didn't push through accordingy, so the year I spent in the States studying partially gr. 12 has become some what a waste of time but I'm looking at it like tha instead I see it as part of my learningn experience. Plus that's still not totally out of the picture for I'm still on the waiting process though I'm not all that hyped up for the result (specifically to spend the rest of my life there) but whatever happens... happens. Hopefully, anything that transpires, work out for the best.
So back to my other plans that's been pushed quietly aside, well... my ultimate Atenean (don't think that's even a word..hahah) dream has been and is currently being crushed. First coz I went home late so there was no chance for me to even take the exams, not to mention the fact that I was technically delayed coz of that greener pasture thing blah blah blah. So my next plan was to just enroll to CEU ( my mom's alma matter... dentistry!) and just transfer to Ateneo during my second year but I'm starting to let go of that now. I'm not letting go of my "dream to study at Ateneo", but I'm starting to let go of the fact of "actually transferring there". It's just too much of a hassle... To transfer schools, find credited subjects, hopefully avoid being an irregular student, transfer dorm, so on and so forth! Aaarrgghh... and I don't even know how to commute properly. Hahha... there's so much I need to learn. But I'm happy about that. I'm making up for all the wasted time, now I'm back to my super productive, ultra active, uberrrrr busy phase! Not that I'm complaining though my sched. does get a little crazy at times, I still manage to juggle everything such as make time for myself, my friends, my family at tha same time meet all the necessary academic requirements, social routines as well as all the extra co-curricular activities. Imagine all that in the span of one month... whoossshh! I'm aleady getting tired just writing all this down. haha...
2 guild / orgs maximum in school? great! I'm maximizing it... there's too much creative juices for it to just go to waste. I love it! But my body aches and my bones hurt right now especially after that Dramatic Guild Audition, then workshop! It was worth it though... I made it! Although that doesn't necessarily mean I'm in the plays.. still have to work extra hard and audition extra for that. Wish me luck! I hope I maintain my grades too, coz it'll be a shame to loose my Honor's Society memebership. That'll be a downer... Oh well atleast everything's going great so far. So a little luck and a lot of prayer's what I need. Thanks to those who believed, believes and continues to belive in me! Love you and miss you all. muah.muah.muah.
'Til my next entry... Ciao!
-gif l.t.
;4:35 PM
loves.
GOD =) || family (",) || friends ;) || sweet gestures || romantic acts || long conversations || moonlight walks on the beach || SUNSETS / sunrise || swept off my feet || personally written poems || SENERADES
hates.
HYPOCRITES! || PLAYERS / LIERS / smooth talkers & the sort || being... judged || told what to do || smirked at || intentionally ignored || left hanging || taken advantage of
calendar/events ?
my bro's & tita's bday!
mother's day!
my debut. 10/10 - tagal pa!.
my forever wish list!(:
true love =)
simple things.
happiness.
yesterdays. (my archives)
October 2004
January 2005
April 2005
May 2005
June 2005
July 2005
August 2005
September 2005
October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
November 2006
December 2006
April 2007
